Monologues for Voice Acting, Vol. 10
The booth is small. Smaller than people think. Six feet of foam and one good microphone, and inside that little box you have to be all the people you've ever auditioned to be. These ten monologues are a workout for that small room. Loud, quiet, real, ridiculous.
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Tank Murdock - growling action hero
"You're late. (low, gravel, even) I told you ten minutes. I said it twice. I said it slow. (beat) Now the bomb's at seven seconds, the hostages are in the back of a truck that is, currently, on FIRE, and the guy who hired us both is sitting in his penthouse drinking something French. (loads weapon) So here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna take the truck. I'm gonna take the penthouse. We're gonna meet on the roof in four minutes. (pause) If you're late again, I want you to understand something. (quiet, dangerous) I will leave without you. (beat) And I will not be sad. (racks weapon) Now MOVE."
Chef Beauregard Pomme - flustered French chef
"MON DIEU! (flustered, thick French) What is this? WHAT IS THIS?! (slaps counter) Henri! Henri, come here. Come HERE, Henri. I want you to look at this. Look at it! (holds up plate) Henri. This is a soufflé? No. NO. This is a tragedy. This is a small, sad mountain of disappointed eggs. (beat) I asked you for SIX. Six! Six minutes in the oven. (huffs) You gave it eight. EIGHT, Henri! Did the timer break? Did you fall asleep? Did the kitchen catch on fire and nobody told me, the chef? (quieter, suddenly emotional) I am not angry, Henri. I am, how do you say... I am DISAPPOINTED. (pause) No. (louder) No, I am angry! Make another one! And this time, look at the clock!"
Brock "Big Deal" Daniels - sleazy car salesman
"Ladies and gentlemen of the tri-county area, listen up! (huge regional energy) This Saturday and SATURDAY ONLY, the prices at Big Deal Brock's Auto Emporium have gone CRAZY! (beat) I mean it. CRAZY. My accountant won't return my calls. My wife is concerned about my mental state. And YOU, my friend, are the beneficiary! (rapid) Brand new sedans, certified pre-owned trucks, SUVs in eleven colors, and ONE, just one, leftover hatchback that I will personally throw a set of floor mats into if you ask for me by name! (beat) No money down! No credit check! No, I don't know how that's legal, and frankly, neither does my accountant! (big finish) Come on down to Big Deal Brock's, where the deals are big, the coffee is free, and the regret is OPTIONAL!"
Old Mother Maple - ancient forest spirit
"You are very small. (gentle, ancient, lyrical) And very lost. (pause) Do not be afraid of me, child. I have been in this grove for nine hundred years, and in nine hundred years, I have never once eaten a traveler. (soft laugh) Though I confess, I have considered it twice. (beat) Sit. The moss is soft, here. The water is clean. You came in from the south, which is how I knew you would not last the night, because the south path no longer leads anywhere. (slow) The southern villages have been gone for two of my centuries. (quiet) The map you carry is older than your grandmother. (beat) But you are here now. And you are tired. (softer) Sleep, little one. (gentle) When the morning comes, the trees will know which way to send you."
Don Cassio Marchetti - quiet mafia don
"Sit down, Tommy. (quiet, even, raspy) No, no, take the good chair. The good chair. I insist. (pause) You know what I love about this restaurant? The bread. The bread, Tommy. They bake it twice a day, downstairs, in an oven that is older than my mother, God rest her. (beat) Try a piece. Go on. (pause) Good, right? (small smile) Now. (folds hands) My nephew, Vincent, came to me yesterday. He was upset. He had a story to tell me, about a delivery, and a number, and a name. (pause) The name, Tommy, was your name. (quiet) Now, I am a fair man. I am a patient man. (beat) I am going to give you exactly as long as it takes me to finish this bread. (picks up another piece) And then we are going to talk."
ZARTHOK the Devourer - guttural demon boss
"YOU. (huge, guttural growl) YOU DARE? (roar) You climb my tower. You slaughter my guardians. You break the seven seals, the SEVEN SEALS, that have held this gate since before your species learned the word for fire! (slams ground) AND YOU COME BEFORE ME WITH A BORROWED SWORD?! (deep laugh, rumbling) Mortal. Mortal, mortal, mortal. (beat) I have eaten kings. I have eaten gods. I once, on a Thursday, ate the concept of mercy itself. (quieter, dangerous) Do you know what I have not eaten in eight thousand years? (pause) A surprise. (roar) SHOW ME ONE! (huge) COME, LITTLE THING! BRING ME A SURPRISE! AND IF YOU CANNOT! (slams) I WILL EAT YOU SLOWLY, BEGINNING WITH THE PART OF YOU THAT STILL HOPES!"
Iris Lin - calm yoga instructor
"Welcome, everyone. (calm, warm, measured) Find your mat. Find your breath. (pause) Today is a Tuesday, and Tuesdays are, in my opinion, the most honest day of the week. (small smile in voice) Mondays pretend. Fridays celebrate. (beat) Tuesdays just show up. (softer) So we are going to do the same. (pause) Bring your hands to your heart. Take a breath in through the nose. (inhale) And release through the mouth. (exhale) Good. (beat) If your shoulders are up by your ears, that is okay. Just notice. We are not going to fix everything today. We are not going to fix anything today. (soft) We are just going to notice, and breathe, and let Tuesday be Tuesday. (quiet) Roll forward into a gentle fold. (pause) Hello, mat. Hello, body. Hello, breath."
Marcus Pendleton - anxious office worker
"Hey. Hey, Linda. Hi. (quick, low, nervous) Got a second? Real quick? (beat) So, the Henderson account. The thing with the spreadsheet. Where I said I'd have it by Friday. (pause) I'm not gonna have it by Friday. (rushed) Now, before you say anything, I have a plan. I have a very good plan. The plan involves, I think, a different Friday. (small laugh that dies) Not this one. (beat) See, what happened was, the data import broke on Tuesday, and I called IT, and IT said they would call back, and IT did not call back, and I did not follow up because I was, frankly, on the train pretending the entire week was not happening. (quieter) So. Linda. I am asking, professionally and personally, for one more Friday. (beat) The next Friday. Not the one I promised. (very quiet) Please."
Sprocket - hyper cartoon sidekick
"GUYS! GUYS! GUYS GUYS GUYS! (zooming around, breathless) I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE THING! (skids to stop) The thing we were looking for! The IMPORTANT thing! The thing Captain Sandwich said we ABSOLUTELY HAD TO FIND or the whole world was gonna get sucked into a TOASTER?! (holds it up) I FOUND IT! (beat) It was in my backpack. (pause) The whole time. (small) I, uh. I'm not sure how it got there. (beat, brightens) BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! The point is, we have it! And we can save the world! AND we can stop at that ice cream place on the way! (gasps) The one with the FLAVORS! (spins) Let's GOOOOO! (beat) Wait. Where's Captain Sandwich? (pause) Did we leave him in the toaster? (beat) WE LEFT HIM IN THE TOASTER!"
Pilot Ren Tachibana - stoic mecha pilot
"Cockpit sealed. (quiet, internal, even) Neural link, ninety-eight percent. Coolant, nominal. (pause) The others are talking on the comm. I am not listening. (beat) I do not listen, before a launch. I learned, after Kobe, that the voices stay in your head longer than they should. So I do not let them in. (soft inhale) My sister sent a message this morning. I have not read it yet. I will read it when I come back. (beat) If I come back. (quiet) I have told her this. She has stopped asking me not to say it. (small) That is, I think, a kindness. (pause) Engines, primed. (louder, into comm) This is Tachibana. Unit Seven. (beat) Launching in three. (softer, to himself) Two. (quietest) One."
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